Note From Jon

Adieu.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Stuff White People Like: Road Trips

While it’s not (yet) recognized on the official list of “Stuff White People Like” (a damn funny blog making fun of well…basically me), I expect road trips to be added soon (unless they are held back to be part of their new book deal—congratulations!).

Here’s an example of a hypothetical White People road trip: Shortly after watching their local basketball team get knocked out of the NCAA tournament and screw up their brackets (thus preventing them from raising their status among other White People by showing how much smarter they are at guessing who will win games that no one pays attention to before March), a group of White People decide that they need to do something to make themselves feel good again.

In this case, despite the fact that it is after midnight on a Thursday in Washington D.C. they want… Philadelphia Cheesesteaks. Generally something non-organic topped with Cheese Whiz would not be considered traditional White People food (therefore finding a local late-night restaurant or picking up a cheesesteak Hot Pocket at a 24-hour grocery store—although cheaper and far more sensible—is not an option). The spontaneous road trip fixes that problem. In this case a middle-of-the-night-road-trip-to-Philadelphia meets the following White People needs:

  • Authenticity: As documented extensively on the official list, White People thrive on seeking out things that are considered authentic by other White People (like Pat’s and Geno’s 24-hour cheesesteak stands—Pat’s wins since it is older and therefore more authentic… and White People hate Vegas-style neon decorations unless they are gambling or enjoying the irony)
  • Expensive Sandwiches: While cheesesteaks on their own don't qualify—without seitan and organic local goat cheese—between gas, tolls and the cost of the sandwiches themselves that’s about $25 a cheesesteak.
  • Eating Local Food: Or in this case driving two hours to change which food White People are local to
  • Toyota Prius: Were it not for an onimous check engine light that change in locality would likely happen in a Prius... you know, so that it would be "good" for the environment
  • Traveling: Just like overseas travel, spontaneous road trips make White People look adventurous and fun and raise their status among other White People
  • Hating Corporations (except Apple): Despite aborted franchising attempts and minor family disputes Pat’s King of Cheesesteaks is a genuine family business
  • Asian Girls: At least when one of the White People also happens to be half-Asian
  • Indie Music: What’s a road trip without music after all, and music on a White People road trip is Indie music (Arcade Fire, Modest Mouse), unless they are being ironic and listening to music that would be heard on 80s night (Air Supply... ok so that was a previous road trip)
  • Outdoor Performance Clothes: Worn just in case the spontaneous road trip to Philly suddenly extends into a “kayak then camping” weekend
  • Making You Feel Bad About Not Going Outside: Or in this case at least making you feel bad about being boring and going to sleep at midnight on a Thursday instead of taking a road trip

  • Dogs: Dogs make any White People experience better. In addition they provide a way for White People to feel clever by using an extension cord as a leash, and prove that the road trip was too spontaneous to allow a detour to pick up a real leash. White People treat dogs like people. And what is more White People than a dog with a blog!?! As a bonus, they are always photogenic which helps with the last item
  • Doing things for the stories of having done them: While again not an official entry it is an inherent trait that White People do things mainly so they can have the most interesting photos and stories to impress other people (see Marathons). They will mention these experiences in conversation… or perhaps write a blog entry about them… and you should always compliment them on how interesting and adventurous these experiences make them

As a disclaimer I could have this all wrong because by my calculations I am only 56 out of 92 (60.1%) White. However I think I make up for that by exceeding requirements in the following categories: wearing Outdoor Performance Clothes at my cubicle job, driving the White People car—The Prius—and previously driving the previous-White-People-car—The Jetta, and having officially stated on my blog that The Wire was the best show on television.

I can neither confirm nor deny that the following photos were taken on this hypothetical road trip:

3 comments:

Rocky said...

Hmm... wonder if we can squeeze a cheesesteak run into my Jazz at NGA/hike/SODJG/Nat's game weekend?

Mare! said...

HAHA!! What were we thinking?!? The three of us standing in Jon's basement just looking at eachother, waiting for a voice of reason - any reason - to not go. Well, we were all probably thinking "I'm not going to be THAT person." Anyway, I paid for it the next day (and the day after that). Good times, of course!!

Do we have a SODJG schedule yet?

Cold Spaghetti said...

I'm impressed. I've made it all over the world, but there is no way I would have survived that trip. Y'all are Hard Core.

Since you like SWPL (and excellent additions to the list, BTW), I thought you'd appreciate this:

http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com