Darren Decrees

The future of America is at stake. While I jokingly endorse Colbert/Stewart ’08 and seriously endorse Obama/(preferably Richardson or Warner), I suppose it is only fair to let you all know that in the end it won’t matter because the Revolution is coming. See most of you probably think of Darren as my fun-(and-bike)-loving friend (who quite often takes humorous liberties with the English language). But what you don’t realize is that for some years now he has been developing the decrees that he will issue once he becomes our benevolent dictator. After his recent dream vision that Castro was his great uncle, we should assume that the time for the reign of Darren is drawing nigh. While his rise to power is inevitable, in the spirit of the campaign season and as a gesture of his benevolence he is presenting his platform:

Decree #1: There shall be a new Department of Servings. Restaurant portions and supermarket serving sizes will be reconciled to a reasonable moderate size. In addition, the size of a serving shall be printed on menus alongside the prices.

Decree #2: Women’s pants’ sizes shall henceforth be designated with length, hip, and waist measurements.

Decree #3: No church shall sponsor a sports team (Darren doesn’t believe God should take any one team’s side in sporting competitions).

Decree #4: Mondays shall now be a day off of work. However, unlike weekends (which Darren believes should be reserved exclusively for leisure activities like biking), Monday is a day to do chores at home, or volunteer. You may choose to go to work instead but you must pay a fine which is donated to charity. The “chores at home” option will be enforced by random home inspections on Tuesdays, violators will be shot—or fined the same amount as those who went to work.

Decree #5: As evidence of Darren’s benevolent nature and responsiveness to his subjects, he has accepted the petition put forth by Sara requesting a new definition for a condiment: A condiment shall be a food topping that can be squeezable. (This has the added benefit of eliminating salt and other spices from consideration, which Darren declares are not condiments).

Decree #6: Tom Collins shall be the official summertime porch drink of the kingdom. Supermarkets shall be required to stock Tom Collins Mix (so that it isn’t so rare that Darren must purchase three bottles when he suddenly finds it on a trip to Assateague after weeks of fruitless searching…)

Decree #7: All Olympic broadcasts shall be required to display the title of the current event at all times (so that when watching on the Royal Tivo, there is no confusion about whether Darren is watching an event final or a preliminary race that can be safely viewed at two times speed)

Decree #8: The Facebook "Friend" Decree: If you see a Facebook friend in public you are required to go over and say hello, otherwise they must be stricken from your friends' list. Let this be your guide when deciding whether to friend or accept a friend request from someone.

Decree #9: No private company shall be permitted to make a profit operating a toll road or a traffic violation camera. All revenue from traffic cameras will go towards education or road improvements in the county where the camera is located.

Decree #10: The sweeping smart growth mandates will be unveiled at the proper time, but for now let it be known that all culs-de-sac and pipe stems are forbidden. (The building in Ballston which is blocking our HDTV reception is also in serious jeopardy).

Decree #11: All Olympic medals shall be made entirely of the metal they represent. (Chairman Darren does not approve of the "white jade" medals being pawned off on our gold medalists. Gold is valuable and we have the trade deficit to think about!)

Stay tuned for updates on what our future holds as Darren documents his campaign platform, rides a socialist revolution into power, enjoys the Divine Right of Kings, and rules as our benevolent dictator…